Love

Well, here it is, March - half way through March might I add.
I have to admit, things have gotten better. THANK THE LORD. There are still days that it feels like the weight of the world rests on my shoulders but thankfully, its not everyday. And somehow, I think that now matter how long I teach there will always be days like that. I can't believe it's March though, and now we have 2 and a half months left of the school year and then it's all over.

I love my kids - to death! Really, they have now idea how much I love them. And they love me (and I know you shouldn't start a sentence with "and" but it fits here so I'm doing it - just don't tell the kids). About 2 days before Valentine's Day, one of my little girl (#20) says to me, "I love you so much. It's like I love you more that my family. It's like YOU ARE my family!" She says it like she just had this huge revelation or something. It was hilarious and precious.
Really, I know those kids depend on me for so much. BUT they have no idea how much I DEPEND ON THEM. To do what I say, to participate when they are suppose to, to "get it" when "it" doesn't make much sense, to keep up with me, and to be quiet when their suppose to. But most importantly, they have no idea how much I depend on them to let me know I'm not a horrible teacher and that sometimes they really do enjoy our class and that they know I LOVE them. I look so often for that smile that stretches and lights up their face when they are "in" to some lesson that we are doing, when they are excited about learning, or when they are thrilled about what we are fixing to do. I really depend on the excited face of #6 cause sometimes when this student sits their so bored I feel horrible. I wonder what they go home and tell their parents. I wonder what thier parents think.
But all in all, I love these kids to death. I have absolutely NO idea what I will do when they walk out of my room that last day of school in May. They will leave behind a heartbroken teacher.
I hope somewhere between all the mini-lessons, everyday math, and endless non-sense, that I made a difference, that I inspired something in someone. Most importantly, I hope that I conveyed to them that I love them.
Even to #19 who is currently on homebound til the end of April.

"This classroom is falling apart!"

"This classroom is falling apart!" shouts one of my students as I enter the room and a poster comes off the wall and floats to the floor. I died laughing inside wanting so desperately to say "You have no idea!" The classroom is falling apart - literally - things fall off the walls all the time. And sometimes I feel like it is falling apart figuratively...at the seams. Anyways, it was pretty funny and gave me a good laugh! :)

~Christmas Break~A Time to Heal~

:) Christmas Break :)

Two words that breathe life into my body. Two words that bring a smile to my face. Two words that give hope to my heart...and Two words that let me know its all going to be okay.
So, yes, we've (I've) made it to Christmas break of my first year of teaching. I'm convinced that you do not appreciate Christmas break until YOU are the TEACHER. Yep, that's right, I think Christmas Break - and every other break - was created for the teacher. I mean, seriously, the teacher would not survive if it were not for these breaks. I can only imagine what summer break will be like - although I know how hard it will be to go back on Monday (and this has only been 2 weeks off) - it must be near impossible to go back after 2 months off for the summer! But I am looking forward to the summer!!!!!! :) :)
So, this year I have met 22 children that have each wedged their own special place in my heart that they didn't have before. 22 children that will now hold an eternally special place in my heart because they are and will always be---My First Class. Yes, these are the children that had just as many firsts as I did this year - they were, in a sense, my "guinea pigs." I will most def know much better next year as to what to do. But I love these kids, with ALL my heart! No matter how much I may get tired of their never ending talking or their love for chewing, losing, and sharpening pencils. They are MINE.

As we have entered a new year, I have made goals for myself as a teacher. There are 3 goals...they are VERY simple but ATTAINABLE. They may not make sense to some people and they may seem dumb...you may even think..."She doesn't do that already?!" BUT hey! you have NOT been in my shoes or experienced what I've been through this year and if you had - you'd definitely understand.
1-To LAUGH with my students - one thing I had always counted on is that my kids would know the sound of my laugh - but I'm afraid these babies may not know that - it means we're having fun as we learn and that the JOY I have in my heart from Jesus is overflowing to them! :)
2-I have a child whose reading is so VERY low and I really want to see his AR RAISE. This would be a HUGE step (in the right direction) for him!
3-And lastly is a goal to bring the reading average of my class up...they had been doing well but have recently began to drop and I don't know what is up with that - but we've GOT to fix it! :)
So, yes, these are my 3 simple goals for the rest of the school year that lies in this new year.
Of course, any good progress with number 19 is a good thing and something that I will continue to strive for - again, all prayers are welcome and coveted for this child and situation.

**These kids are my heart and I will deeply miss them when they are gone.**

I can't believe that we are on the 2nd half of the school year....the countdown to SUMMER. Where did this first year go? Its simply: UNBELIEVABLE.

I have also set personal goals for myself...we'll see how those go.
But I have taken the liberty to title the year 2010 for myself/life - I have titled it "A TIME TO HEAL." It comes from Leviticus 3. There are several things that I want to heal from this year, spiritually, emotionally, etc.

Now the relation of that title to Christmas Break is that this break was a time for me to heal from the exhaustion and fatigue that I have had since school started - and I think I have. This break has been absolutely WONDERFUL! I wouldn't trade it for anything!

So....HERE'S TO 2010!!!! Come What May

Update on the class number: We are back up to 21...had a new student come on party day! Yeah!! LOL :)

Thanksgiving

Do they know? Do they really know?.........is what I wonder alot of days. Do these kids really know how much I love them and care for them and want what's best for them? I know I don't tell them like I should. But there isn't a child in that classroom that I wouldn't fight for.
Sometimes I think, "Do THEY really LOVE ME as their TEACHER? OR do they wish they had another teacher or their first grade teacher back? Do they think I'm a good teacher. Yes, I get the notes all the time that say they love me and I'm the best teacher. But sometimes, I just wonder about the genuiness of it...are they just doing it simply bc I'm there teacher and that is what children love to do for the teacher? Sometimes I look on their faces and I feel as though they are looking back and I see in their eyes and face that I'm not their favorite...I'm not the one their heart is loyal to.
The last day before Thanksgiving break I gave each child a note from me that said what I was thankful for about them. Now, I believe that if my teacher gave me that that I would hold onto it...atleast through the weekend. A few of them left them on the floor!! Oh, well.
But, I LOVE THOSE KIDS WITH ALL MY HEART - They've stolen it. Even though most days I'm sure they can't tell.
Because of them - I have 20 more reasons to be thankful this Thanksgiving!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

P.S. I've got to get another pencil sharpener over Thanksgiving---we're up to number 4!! But, I'm thankful that we have pencils to sharpen and I have money to buy the sharpener. :)

What?

Tuesday (before Thanksgiving) I experienced my first official hearing. Bet you can't guess which student it was for? That's right - 19. For right now, he gets to stay. He returns the Monday after Thanksgiving. My energy level drains just thinking about it.
Oh, the Monday after Thanksgiving...that day starts about 3 long weeks of school until Christmas Break!! ALAS - FREEDOM! Needless to say I am not looking forward to those three weeks - I know we all will be going insane.

But, the year is almost half way through. I am almost half way through with MY FIRST YEAR OF TEACHING - WOW! It has flown by so fast I haven't been able to breath or take it in most days. As I think about the fact that it is almost half way over...I seriously wonder...WHAT?...have these kids learned anything? Am I making any progress with them? Have I done things right? Will they be better off having me as a teacher this year or would they have done better being in someone else's class? I look at student's like 19 and think - he should have been in someone else's class...not because I don't want him in mine, but because if he had been in a more experienced teacher's class then maybe he would have made more progress by now because that teacher would know what she was doing. Rather than I, who ran around like a chicken with her head cut off hoping for each day to pass quickly - it has surely been exhausting...I thought I knew what it was like to be tired - but I quickly found out that I didn't know what it meant to be tired until I had this job. Then I look at my kids who are high and I see what they are doing and that they are getting things and taking what we learn and they are applying it. That makes me feel good and like we're getting somewhere. But, at the same time, my heart hurts for the child that just doesn't get it. No matter how many times I say it or how many various ways I explain it, he just doesn't get it. And what do I do? There are so many. My heart simply breaks for them.

This definitely wasn't the first year I had pictured, but it has been a first year (at least half of it) that I can say I'm truly grateful for. And I LOVE those children in MY classroom with all my heart.

Coveting her Pencil Sharpener

When you think about a classroom and all that it entails, one of the last things that one would think would cause such a problem is the pencil sharpener. But OH, what a nightmare that little noisy, electronic contraption can cause. For the past few weeks I have been SO close to pulling my hair out and screaming over broken tips of pencils and the need to sharpen those pesky things in the middle of class. Now mind you we are on our SECOND sharpener of the year (and I told myself I would not be one of those teachers who purchased 10 sharpeners during the course of a year) and it is slowly dying I can tell as each day it takes longer and LONGER to sharpen enough pencils for the class. At times, sharpening is being done in the afternoon and morning by my best pencil sharpening students, yet when students enter the classroom I am still having to sharpen pencils!!! AHH!! Unless you've been through it yourself you would now understand how FRUSTRATING this is. And when that little hand raises in the air signaling to me that that pencil has broken and needs to sharpened, all that is in me cringes and fights and wants to scream: "YOUR PENCIL WILL NOT SHARPEN - FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO WRITE WITH AND LEARN HOW TO WRITE GENTLY WITH YOUR PENCIL!!!!! But of course I cannot say this, so relunctantly, I stop what I am doing and take the pencil and put it in the sharpener as it makes it loud noise to let it be known to the entire room what is going on (except for on the occasion that I let them sharpen the pencil theirself)---"Can't you just sharpen quietly?" I think to myself about that annoying sharpener.
Now the Art teacher has the HUGE heavy duty sharpener, actually she has two of them, that I have admired from afar and thought "Oh, if I could have a sharpener like that!" So the other day I ask her where she got hers (knowing that this would most likely cost a pretty penny) and she of course says prob some art magazine - she doesn't remember but if she could find it she would let me know. So a little dissappointed I say "ok" and mosey on back to my room. Well, I could tell sharpener # 2 would go at any moment cause I could hear it slowly fading away. My kids tell me that their first grade teacher had a sharpener like the art teacher so out of desperation I email her, asking her if this was true and if so where did she get it. She replies that another teacher got them for her from an APT grant the last year...so another dead end road. I started researching these pencil sharpeners on the internet and have found them ranging in prices from 35 to 55 dollars - pre-tax. So, maybe Santa Claus will hear my cry?! Idk, but something must be done cause I'm going crazy with these pencils and pencil sharpeners...."Write with your finger" I want to shout sometimes.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE THESE KIDS WITH ALL MY HEART! But some days I just want to SCREAM stupid pencil sharpener!! and another thing, I have reached the conclusion that pencils should come pre-sharpened, don't you agree!!! You should! :)
Oh, WAIT, I alwmost forgot, the 2nd sharpener DID die on Monday and so long story short....I took it to walmart and exchanged it for a new one (thank you Lord that I didn't have to fork over more money).

Meanwhile - I had 2 kids steal things on monday...one tried to steal 2 brand new pencils from the classroom and the other stole 3 pieces of candy from the speech teacher....really, do you learn that in my classroom????

Lost in pencil shavings,
four days til Thanksgiving break!

"Is It Getting Any Better?"

All the time people ask me this question. "Is is getting any better?" Each time I'm stumped as to how to answer them. Let's face it: it's NOT getting better. In fact, just when I think I might be able to catch my breath (notice I didn't mention actually getting to breath) something else happens and I might as well forget it. But what do I tell people? I can't tell them "No"; they would just think I'm being negative all the time. So, do I lie instead and put on the smile and tell them its going good? HA, no. It's just an endless cycle. I'm seriously contemplating giving up all hope until summer (which isn't too far away).

Stories: So, today my kid that comes in all the time with bandages and whatnot on him (called 18) comes to class with a bandage wrapped around his hand. Now two times throughout the day today, he asks me if he can take it off in order to do various tasks. Of course I say yes, all the while thinking "OF COURSE YOU CAN TAKE IT OFF! WHY ARE YOU EVEN ASKING ME?! THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!!!" LOL bless him. Later in the day I notice that he has a band-aid in the middle of his forhead...I'm pretty sure that band-aid wasn't there when he got to school this morning...and if I'm correct, then how in the world it ended up there I have NO idea. But I can guarantee you that if you were to take it off his head that there would be nothing wrong with him (which I was tempted to do quite a few times today!). oh, dear.

I have one of those hand pointer thingies (its a stick with a white gloved hand on the end with the pointer finger pointing out) and I have been meaning to use it all year long but keep forgetting. Well I finally remember to pick it up today while I'm teaching and I don't know if I'm going to be able to use it much. I started to laugh while I was using it bc I just kept thinking...this has to look hilarious. At one point I had my cheek resting on the hand as if I had a third hand. IDK it might only be funny to me. Like, I said in an earlier post...you got to find something to laugh at during the day. :) (Of course, 19 wants to talk to the hand when I use it!)